This isn’t a rant, but more or less a "listen to my self-proclaimed cool idea" essay.I love game shows and after numbing my mind on them since I was old enough to sing the commercial jingles, I think I have come up with a really good game show that would shock you as well as give ratings a boost for that particular station. Not to mention the lawsuits and therapy that would come of it later. Good times for all.
As I was going back and thinking about all my favorites from the past – The Price is Right, 25,000 Pyramid, Press Your Luck (no whammies, no whammies!!!), and anything else that didn’t involve any special knowledge (I know I am not the only one that feels dumb as a post after Jeopardy), I realized that there were no girl game show hosts. I am not sure if it’s a union thing (doesn’t it seem like every show is hosted by Chuck Woolery?), or the fact that we might get bitchy in the middle of the game, or (my favorite) stare goo-goo eyed at the fabulous prizes. My guess is, when game shows came to be, men got the job because they could care less about an oven, while people like my mother would just about pee in their pants to get one.
So the first thing I would have in my game show would be a woman wearing a fabulous or a groovy clubwear sort of outfit with shoes that she would show off that would make any drag queen cry out in envy.
Now, speaking of drag queens, this brings me to my next point. I decided to keep the guy host image but keep the girl persona and so – you guessed it – I would hire a drag queen to host my show. This drag queen is all about men, and doesn’t hesitate to point out to the viewers at home the cute man with the package in the front row, or show off her new pink wig, or twirl around in figure eights to show off her new sequined pantsuit. Her name would be Miss Thang and she would have the sassiest outfits that would rival Ru Paul, and that’s the way she likes it.
If you thought that was shocking, wait until Miss Thang brings out the first contestant on "Lose a Limb." You can almost hear the announcer gleefully announcing that the first contestant, Joe Blow, enjoys long hot showers with soap tied around his neck securely on a rope, lifting weights so he doesn’t become the bitch of the cell block, and that he was found guilty of mass genocide or (better yet) some white collar crime like mail fraud and has been in prison for almost 8 years. As he has a life sentence (a pre-requisite for entering), he has agreed to come on the show in exchange for his freedom afterwards.
Our hostess introduces herself to Joe (after he is secured firmly to the Wheel of Lost Flesh) and cheerfully explains the rules to him. He is to first answer a series of five questions that range from "What time is it?" mentality to the "what is the formula for salt?" questions to the "you might as well give up unless you were once on Win Ben Stein’s Money" questions.
Three questions make up each group. This means 12 in all. After Joe Blow racks his brains on the first set of questions, the points are tallied. If he gets them all right, he keeps a limb, if he gets one wrong, he loses a foot or hand, if he gets 2 wrong he gets part of his leg or arm hacked off by his knee or elbow and if all of the questions are wrong (and you can hear the audience scream this one out loud) he "loses a limb".
After points are tallied Miss Thang excuses herself to go offstage while our announcer shows us videos of the soul who is going to benefit from Joe’s misfortune. Miss Thang returns while daintily carrying either an axe or a chainsaw. She smiles sweetly as she totes her axe behind her while the inmate wracks his brains to figure out what piece of flesh he will part with. Sometimes the audience members are allowed to participate and shout out the piece of flesh they would like to see being chopped off.
After the choice is made with Joe Blow being gagged beforehand, and Miss Thang demonstrates her Atlas-like strength while still looking fabulous in her heels, trained paramedics artfully grab the limb to give to the needy cause in the video. At this point we cut away from the painful scene of Joe Blow trying to grab Miss Thing where it counts (luckily he is still restrained and gagged), and turn to the large screen behind the hostess where we see via satellite, our hopeful patient that will receive the limb and live a normal and decent life because of the thoughtfulness of Joe. The audience ooohs and ahhhs over the patient’s goals in life that will now be fulfilled with the hand (unfortunatley tatooed with an eightball on it) he can now use to perform majory surgery.
We cut to commercial then, while another team of trained paramedics are putting a turniquette on the bloody stump. We don’t want him to die now, or we would have to fill up the next 20 minutes with dead air, and that doesn’t get the ratings, folks.
On this particular show, our contestant is actually quite lucky and can answer most of these questions (the audience hisses in anger), but has failed to answer an entire series of questions at the very end, which perks up the audience, as this is the moment where he will "Lose a Limb." Miss Thang appears with a clear plastic raincoat (not unlike the one I own) and a pink chainsaw and a delighted smile showing through her over applied lipstick. She prances around for effect (and because she is a big ham), while exclaiming "Which one will it be, Joe?!!??!!"
Joe groans, as he is nearly losing consciousness and is gagged so he can’t speak. To help him out, our hostess has gone to a sweet little lady in the audience and asked her opinion. The lady cries "The leg!!!." The audience goes wild. Miss Thang is just about jumping up and down she is so thrilled, and Joe Blow may be near unconsciousness, but you can see the fear emitting from his eyes as our drag queen approaches him, chainsaw roaring. The leg spins out onto the floor and into the hands of the awaiting paramedics who carry it off backstage to yet another unfortunate soul in Oneida, Kentucky.
Joe is dragged over to a holding cell until the doctors are sure he can drive safely (whenever that is). After the mess is cleaned up and our hostess has disrobed from the raincoat, she waves goodbye by grabbing her wig and shaking it vigourously at the audience and the viewers at home. This ensures that everyone knows she actually is a guy (just in case a blind man in the back was fooled), and of course, single. She smiles and informs us to tune in tomorrow where as its "viewers’ choice" day (you complete that thought as to what it is).
Now some of you are horrified at the thought of a game show that advocates and promotes violence. But look at all the good it could do. Not only are you providing a form of entertainment (yes, some of us would see it that way), but you are providing a service to both the inmate and the general public. The inmate can live a free life after the game is over, and we wouldn’t feel threatened about a mass murder if he was wheelchair bound, or had to eat with the help with a trained monkey. Plus, think of the amputee in the hospital that now has a hand or foot to better go about his life with. There is nothing but good that radiates from this game show.
Still, some of you are still horrified and claim that you would never watch such a thing. But I am willing to bet that if it was 2 in the morning on a Saturday night, the clubs are closed (you didn’t get lucky) and you are flipping channels, you would stop on that channel my game show was on - as it would either be too shocking to look away or too enthralling to miss. Nielson ratings would go through the roof on this one. And that’s what good TV is all about – ratings.
My other game show idea is less involved than this one ("lose a limb" is my baby), but I will wait until another time to share it. Until then, remember what one of my favorite comediennes has said,
"You know you are famous when drag
queens impersonate you."
