So I haven't done a TV show review in a while (or rather - desecration). I didn't mean to watch this show - I just always have my laptop out on my coffee table and the TV is usually on for background noise purposes. Had I known I would have been subjected to yet another round of Celebrity Boxing - I would have actually made a real effort to find the remote this time. Since I refuse to put my hands in the couch for fear something might "get" me at the moment - I figured I would give this show another go (though I am not sure why it got a second try after the first time sucked so bad - it wasn't even worth a bad review from me).

First of all, these aren't celebrities. With the exception of Screech from "Saved by the Bell" and Joanie Laurer - these aren't even has-beens. They are pretty much the dregs of whatever "never were" list that circulates out there between the idiotic agents that represent these people and the producers of such drivel like "Love Cruise", "Hollywood Squares", "Dance Party USA", and "American Idol - the search for a superstar." (Yeah, the last one hasn't been shown yet - but let me make the bet here and now that it will turn out just as horrendous).

Second, there is no second. The fact that the show is a fraud with the name "celebrity" touting their fifteen minute wanna-bes should be enough to persuade you to rearrange your sock drawer, write a letter to your congressman about enforcing Optional Pants Tuesday, or (god help you) change the channel to QVC.

The first time I watched this show - aside from Greg Brady getting beat up by Danny Bonaducci - it was completely uneventful. Even the girl fight was disappointing. And they drew it out far to long. Not a lot changed since the last time - however three fights stood out in my head while I watched this evening- so let me give you my blow by blow.

Screech vs. Horseshack: What fun to watch two guys needing acceptance so badly as not to be thought of in TV history as geeks. Apparently Screech had more to gain from this win as Horseshack went away with his emaciated self (compared to Screech) with two black eyes and a look of shock. Way to go Screech - nothing like showing your manliness by beating up another nerd twice your age and half your size.

The Sudanese Fighter (Bol) vs. The Refrigerator (Perry): You may remember these guys as 80s sports heroes. Bol is 7'7 and looks like you can break him in half. I remember thinking that this man would have the obvious win as he was taller than The Fridge by a foot and a half. He stepped OVER the ring using giant Godzilla type steps. Of course - once Perry entered the arena - that was worth a few guffaws. After they rolled his 375+ pound beach ball frame towards the ring - he spent a good fifteen seconds trying to negotiate how to actually GET THROUGH the ropes. After he racks his brain for a few seconds afterwards (and realizes that didn't do any good either) - two of his managers BOTH had to hold the ropes open and he barely squeezed past.

Now I am not meaning to make fun of overweight people and I mean no offense, but what kind of agent gives his client a call and says "Hey, I know you are dying to be in the sporting spotlight again and I know you are out of shape and can barely walk - what about boxing a totally mismatched partner and looking foolish in front of thousands?" I can just see Perry stopping the intake of a piece of beef the size of a car just in time to say "Wha...?" and his inept agent making the call to solidify Perry's future "celebrity" career. I'll be he even asked if a full food trough would be provided for him.

Bol didn't do any better. When the fight started Bol's actions reminded me of an old childhood board game called "Rock'em Sock'em Robots." For those that weren't born then or your parents realized the game was as entertaining as watching paint dry and passed on giving it to you- its a fighting game where two plastic robots mimic the same exact action of punching over and over again in the same formation. Bol looked exactly like that - except that he kept hitting air. I don't think it was because Perry was too quick for him (Perry floundered about the ring like a bloated whale). I think it was because he didn't want to get too close and be mistaken for food. Soon Bol figured out that every once in a while he could trap Perry into the trance like motions and then get him with a right hook. Perry - having nothing but tackling experience - would pull an angry Frankenstein face and try to push Bol around. Ultimately Bol won.

Joey Buttafuoco vs. Joanie Laurer: What a bad idea this was from the start. However, the producers did have sense enough to see the train wreck emerging from this one and slated this fight last.

It was painful to watch Joanie, who had just as much enthusiasm for this fight as Joey to try to win. He threw her around the ring like a rag doll in a wind tunnel. It was really unfair, and the only thing I can say that's good about this is that Joanie presented herself with a lot of class at the end of the fight and made Joey look like the asshole he is - even though he won.

Once again, the fault lies with a half-witted agent making a call to his client: "Hey, I just got notice that you are out of prison, you wanna unleash all your pent up anger on a woman in front of thousands? I know that most women hate you and you seem to present yourself in an assholish light no matter what you do - But I have faith that this will put you right back on top in the public eye." You can almost see him taping a picture of Amy Fischer to his punching bag.

Anyway, that's my take on it. I will probably watch it again like a good little sheep if my remote stays hidden from me.