So it's the wonderful time of year where we elbow and curse people for getting in our way, avoid shopping malls at all costs, and thank all of our gods for at least finding a parking place within the two mile radius of our destination downtown. Yes, it's Christmas time again, however, there is a new twist to its' gut wrenching anxiety that can only be found among the followers of the new Lord - E-Bay.

My mother started showing symptoms of this phenomenon right about the time that Latex Geisha had been sending me these fabulous gowns he found off of E-Bay. My mother marveled at the thought that she too, could find her spending thrills without ever having to park her Saturn and deal (rage) with the public at large. Finally, a shut-in's dream come true and the way Christmas was meant to be enjoyed, celebrating without the hassle of unwanted personal interaction. I am sure the lit up Jesus in the atrium of our hard drives smiles.

Looking back I could see the signs, but chose to ignore it, hoping like any addiction or zit, the problem would go away on its own and interfering would just make it worse. At first, I would get these emails from my mother with simple URLs on them to "check out this flaming orange pantsuit"(orange is neither of our colors) or "wouldn't dad love this navy tie selection" (dad hates ties) and even "these buns of steel tapes are just what we need."(ok, maybe that is a sound buy, but still). Finally, I came over to see the whole process at work (and to stop cluttering my mail box).

She eagerly leads me to her computer where I am shown that she has categorized all of her "wishes" ("assumed kills" seems a bit harsh) in her Favorites box labeled Ebay. They have an expiration on them so that just like a turkey dinner - she can see if it's done or not and if it needs any prodding (bidding) from her. She sets herself a limit as to how much she will spend (tube socks are not that much of a deal at a buck if you have to pay 6 bucks in shipping). I have to admit (and I am trying not to get sucked into this - I am weak for a sale) but it seemed kinda neat that you could just pay for anything tax free and some of the stuff was pretty cool. I mean, Latex Geisha seemed to have an eye for all the dresses he found me. But the agony of hoping that the metal clasp purse that you so dearly want for $2.50 isn't outbid by that idiot that apparently wants it too - and is getting the email updates when you thought you so slyly outbid him, is really nerve-wracking. At least I know when I pick something out at a store during the holiday season, I can pretty much hold my own if it came down to a wrestling match over it (don't laugh - newspapers reported that kinda thing all the time between determined mothers and helpless furbies caught in the crossfire last year).

She would sit there at the last 20 minutes of the game (oh, I mean bid) and hit reload every 2 minutes to see if anyone had beat her for that item each time holding her breath as if that were going to help. If someone beat her out, there was a silent cursing spree going on in her head ("how dare that bitch get her claws on that angora sweater vest") even though I know she will never admit that to me. If she won the bet, a gleeful smile would appear ("yessssssssss, take that you fool")and the check book would emerge to be used for the already addressed stamped envelope (sometimes she is just that confident). As we speak there are stacks of these envelopes next to her computer (and pot of tea for the occasions when the bidding is over at 3am).

Now there are good things to this as well, as I am getting the good part of this deal - if something looks like her favorite sweetie pie daughter (yes, that's me) might want and it's in her price range - the hunt begins. However, I am just not cut out for the waiting around for four days only to find that I have missed out and risk a great sadness wash over me for not having the "cutest skirt" this holiday season. Long live the old fashioned hunter-gatherers - we are a dying breed.