So in case you haven't heard, my grandmother died last week and the funeral is today. This is the same grandmother with Alzheimer's that has been driving my mom and I batty for the past year until she went to the home in 1999. We are saddened by this loss, but also relieved that she is now in a better place. However, this brings us to our next problem in this small crisis.

Mom's side of the family has basically abandoned grandma since she no longer lived in Florida (for the free vacation aspect) and since she was basically of a child mindset and not a lot of fun. My mom's brothers and sisters are bottom feeders disguised as humans that only crawl out from under their rocks if there is money involved. So we basically took care of grandma ourselves and said "THHHBBBTTTT" to the rest of the family. The only good part was when my Aunt Mary took grandma in for a few weeks a year and then had her put in a nursing home near her. Other than that - they all suck.

So now the funeral is here - and if you didn't know this - the house I live in is my grandmother's that I am buying from her. There is a big screaming match over the fact that they didn't know that I had bought it and were upset that they are having to come to Hickville ANNNND there was no goodies to tote home to their caves. And since Mom is the executor of the will - her final hurrah was that instead of splitting the money and house five ways - she gets everything and they get nothing.

So now they are in town to see what else they can rummage through without looking too obvious and like a mad ferret on a hunt for shiny things. Mom is stressed out beyond belief as she has to make her home something that Martha Stewart would be proud of - yet is conflicted by the fact that she would rather just set her brothers and sisters on fire. It's fun to watch until she put me to work at her house combing the fringe on the rugs. Gotta love an OCD mother.

They all have the normal lives mom has been striving for with me with their daughters. Their daughters have been to college, had kids and are married. I have been to an institution, are mentally cruel to kids - and see marriage as a last resort for a tax break. They seem to like digging this fact into me. I, however, am unaffected as it's my job to blast the weird in their face AND be happy at the same time.

However, I hate these people for putting my mother through the crap that she had to go through and I am full of venom when i got to our "loving" family get together tonite. The first thing that happens is that Uncle Dick (and yes that's his name) has decided to ask me what is going on with my life. This translates to "Are you married, do you have kids, and are you employed and living the boring lifestyle that we should all be forced into if we aren't tricked into it first?" I answer back that I am not married, thinking of writing a book, have my clothing line ideas, like to hurt children on a regular basis and am going to school and living large. I try to appear that I am doing tons - but he sees right through it by saying "So you aren't making any money and doing a lot of partying." This is where we get into a discussion where I wish I could just shout at him that I am a huge lesbian and that I will never get married. His homophobic ass would have moved away from me considerably and I bet he would have washed his hands after talking to me.

Dad and I spent most of the time before dinner was ready making fun of everyone there. Dad shares my view of why we should set poke them in the guts with cattle prods and we would get angry looks from mom when she caught us laughing in the other room. "What are you guys laughing about?" she would say - while keeping a watchful eye on her relatives so they wouldn't know that we were sharing jokes that absolutely belittled them. And then she would tell us to shut up since she knew that she would start laughing too - and Martha would surely frown upon that.

Then while I am downing my third glass of wine - I notice that mom has seated me next to Uncle Dick. Eleven people at our table and she seats me next to Satan. Thanx mom. Upon my look of death and waving a spatula at her - she quickly rethinks this decision and takes the seat instead. Good move, mom.

During dinner I managed a few digs at Uncle Dick - ("so you gonna do any readings at the mass tomorrow for grandma now that she is dead? You certainly didn't do anything for her while she was living"). My zingers fell on deaf ears except for dad - who kept poking me in the ribs and smirking at me - Yay for dads that understand. It got to one point where I couldn't be quiet any longer and chose to seclude myself to the kitchen washing dishes in my manic style and frightening myself by how well I fell into mom's role.

I got a few more digs in after dinner with Dad helping me. The best one being about my tennis games. I don't understand why some people set themselves up for things they know are so obvious. He was making fun of the fact that me and dad play tennis together and was implying that we didn't play well. We showed him our tennis pics and then he "marveled" at the fact that I was "almost normal." This is when I asked him about his physical activities. And this is when my Uncle that weighed two tons coughed, said nothing, and ended the conversation. Dad looked at me and we were thinking the same thing "Victorious Dad, Victorious Dawn." And then Uncle Dick found someone else to talk to.

They all finally left. My mom thanked me and dad for being there. What are you talking about, mom? We didn't say anything at all to anyone for fear of saying the wrong thing - or making someone cry. "Exactly", she said.

I will have to try harder next time.