So I had my first speech in speech class yesterday. I figured I did pretty good for someone whose last speech in front of actual live people (and not stuffed animals) was when I won Miss Bimbo back in March of 1998. I had made that speech after 5 shots of vodka and doing a "cheer" on stage. So I figured I had a lot to curb before I made this next one.

The name of the speech we had to give was "Any old Bag Will Do" and it was pretty much a "who the hell am I?" theme. Of course, I love to talk about me, so my head was brimming with ideas on how to make this a practice "stand up" spot - i.e How many times can I make them laugh without having it be accompanied with finger pointing and name calling. We had to bring in a bag that represented ourselves and three items - one representing the past, one the present and one the future.

Well, for my past, I opted to talk about my previous experience in college before I dropped out - otherwise known as the "time I learned to funnel beer" and then went to work for the next eight years learning how to perfect my caffeine making skills and amass numerous excuses for bosses not wanting to talk to people on the phone - of course I chose a coffee single to represent that part of my life.

For the future, I talked about how I wanted to graduate, be a better person, not set animals on fire, yada yada yada. I really felt like bringing in a mad lib type of game sheet as I didn't know what to fill in for my future, but I also didn't want to piss off the person responsible for whether or not I passed the class - so I opted for something understandable and made a "diploma" out of paper and ribbon.

For the bag, I got a paper sack and decorated the inside with gift wrapping to explain how from the outside i seemed like any other ordinary schmuck, but when I rip open the bag, there is actually a very colorful and personable schmuck instead.

Anyway, I was torn on what to say about the present, and decided that I would go for the "freak of the week" of the class and talked about my cam site - making sure that i didn't put out the actual url. I brought in one of my cams and was just glowing talking about my site and watching the confused looks on people's faces made me beam that much more. Result: I actually looked like I was happy and was able to talk.

Why do I bring how I presented myself up? Well it turns out that I wasn't the freakiest one there - I actually looked like I had my shit together, and even if I did mention the red pills - it wouldn't have been nearly as bad as some of the other idiots who chose to share a Mommie Dearest side to their past.

There were several women who decided to tell us about child molestation in their past (one woman was 21 and had just moved out of the house from an abusive dad), wife beating husbands, cockroach problems - you name it and there would be woman there who lived it and could start the organization for it in their own neighborhood. Result: They looked like they needed about four valium and nearly broke out into tears during their speeches - i am almost positive this wasn't the idea behind this exercise.

Then there was the one girl who had just turned 18 and her future was a wedding album that would be filled before she would be legally able to buy her own cigarettes - this girl had gum chewer written all over her. In fact, most of the women there were married and their kids were their futures. This college thing was just something to "fall back" on. Most of these women would fall back on any mattress if they knew it would get them a husband. Jeez.

The winner of who had the most screwed up past? Well it was close, but the woman who was 24, had been through two divorces, an abortion, and had her child molested by her uncle and husband lost out to the man who brought in his prison ID card and decided to tell us how it really is in OZ.

For those of you who were interested, I got a B (16 points out of 20). I lost points for having my hands in my pockets and saying "uh" a lot. I wonder how many points you lose for needing a tissue in the middle of your speech?