So I am looking to do something else with this site. I re-took the tour of my site as there are pages I put up and never visit (and need to update) and there are some I just never bothered updating because at the time, my site was a six page smidgen of an idea, and I needed filler (no matter how proud I am of the bimbo crown, it really didn't need a page to itself) to make it look like I had substance to my life - which was pretty empty and depressive at the time. I like the layout I have and all, but some of the pages I put up when I just started out make me cringe in embarrassment and wonder why anyone would have asked me for any webpage advice in the first place.

This started out as a hobby to take the place of my bad habit of seeing how depressed I could make others with the pathetic details of my life. I did a silly thing of screwing up a really good relationship with a man who understood my silly love for science fiction conventions (as well as attended them with me - and was just as fabulous and entertainig) as well as my sarcastic mannerisms by breaking up with him for fear that it would get serious (I still don't know why I thought that was a good idea). At the time, I had no real concept of love and pretty much figured that I really could live life without the fear of getting my feelings stepped on as I had a prescription for drugs to fix my mental shortcomings. I was then thrown into a huge gaping hole of sadness that almost swallowed me whole - and at the time, I didn't see how anything could ever be bright and sunshiny again without the help of pharmaceuticals that leave me dazed and drooling on myself. If that isn't bad enough, he also started dating a 19 year old so I could experience that whole "being left for the newer model" feeling.

Usually I am able to bounce back from something like this -but for some reason, I couldn't fix myself with chocolate, and the science fiction conventions weren't anything I looked forward to anymore - and pretty soon, I was going on eight months after the break up and the pain was still as great as it was the first day. I lost hope in so many things during that time - and one of them was the belief that I could ever be happy again.

This man still continued to be my friend (despite my passive-aggressive mean antics I would display towards him), and in an effort to give me a sense of purpose, he showed me how to do simple html with a webcam to take my mind off my pain (and so I would quit stalking him). We have since settled into a really good friendship, and it's been a long time since I felt an ounce of jealousy towards him or had smiled at the thought of him suffering an untimely death in which I had an alibi for.

So I doted all my time to a webpage I thought would be nothing more than something myself, my mother, and a few friends I had on the net would bother to look at. I had my site up for two weeks before peepingmoe published me, and the response I got from the net universe lifted my spirits so much. Strangers, who knew nothing of me, took the time to write, said good things about me and my site, and generally relayed the feeling that they were glad my presence was there. I met other cam girls and felt accepted. And before I knew it, I was back to my old self again - laughing, living, and using men like tissues.

I sometimes wonder if this site would have been born had I not undergone such a painful experience - and I can't say that I would have been motivated enough to build it. But I do know that it's something I enjoy doing and that I have kept this site longer than I have kept any job.

Wow, I really know how to ramble at 2am. I'll have more on what I want to do with this site on the next moment.