So we all know that I went to Canada last weekend. It was what I expected and what I didn't expect. I had a cool time with pals I dig hanging out with (and annoying with my constant energy) and I got to see downtown Canada at it's finest (moose statues are EVERYWHERE). You can catch it all on my journal from the days of the 15th to the 18th of February.

What was stressing me the most was the fact that I was told different theories on what papers I needed to get into Canada. Even the website was really vague (something I expected from Canadians). I had Rob and Jen telling me I needed a birth certificate and two photo IDs and the name of my firstborn while my dad was like "I'm sure it's like going to a huge bar - they have beer - they need a photo ID. It's not like we are at war and it's not like they wouldn't take a twenty for not having the correct ID." Dad wasn't too far off the mark (as usual - his sarcasm is what I fall back on for advice).

So I chanced it and took my drivers license (the picture is recent and it looks like I am homeless in the pic) and a voter's registration card (surprised? oh please - like I wouldn't want a say in what governs me). Then when I got to Buffalo, I was told by everyone there that they had all their papers like good Westminster show puppies and that I was surely doomed. Since I had never been to Canada - I kinda had mixed feelings as to whether or not I was displeased about the possibility of being barred from a country I had made fun of since meeting the drunken hockey players at UAH.

So here we are, at the border in an obviously rented minivan with tinted windows. You could also tell there were people inside the van even from the driver's window. I couldn't believe the conversation that took place between Rob and this Mountie wanna-be.

Mountie: "where are you going, eh?"

Rob: "I am going to (Rob's address) eh?"

Mountie: "ooook then, so you are going to your home, eh?

Rob: "yah"

Mountie: "ooook then. buh bye"

What? We could have been anyone. We could have been smuggling jeans or guns or bad attitudes towards Canadians (ok so one out of the three). This man didn't even look up. If ever there is a war - this guy is getting fired first. No wait - he was probably one of the more stricter ones (everyone there was really friendly).

So with that in mind - I felt that on the way back to the airport in the US we would get the same treatment. Um.... no. Our side of the border is manned with complete assholes. I had no idea what we were in for. Rob pulls up to the gate and the 6'4 big bulky black ex con looking man barks out all kinds of questions at him.

Mean patrol guard: Who are you? What nationality are you from? What are you doing in this country?

Rob: I am rob, we are going to drop off some friends who live in the US to the airport and I am Canadian and Jen is Canadian and ...

Mean patrol guard: SILENCE! I did not ask you about the other passengers. Open up this door.

(oh goodie, I am the one behind the door that we will interrogate first.)

Mean patrol guard: (his eyes burn a hole in my skull as he demands answers from me) What nationality are you?

Me: US citizen (I had my ID ready just in case of this very incident)

Mean patrol guard: How long have you been here?

Me: (I am really not comfortable at all at this point and begin to stutter) umm. umm.. since Thursday? (dammit, don't pose it as a question, dawn)

Mean patrol guard: Did you buy anything?

Me: no

(oh god, wait, I did buy those jeans at the Canadian mall - what if he searches and figures out that I lied? I can't be locked up here in Canada of all places. I have to declare it.)

Me: ummm.... PANTS!

(Everyone in the car begins to crack up at my obvious nervousness and from the guard's point of view it looks like I am trying to hide something)

The guard apparently had his fun putting me on the dissection plate and lets us go after laughing in my face as I shut the van door - my face was so red.

Gawd. I hope I never have to deal with that again. In fact, from now on - I am sitting in the way back seat and letting some other fool deal with that barrage of anger. I guess this is what happens when you let your hatred of Canada stew inside of you unchecked. Thanx goes out to Rob and Jen for turning my cynicism of Canada into something not so horrible (but still sarcastic) so that I never end up like that man.