Please note that at the time that everything at MOC is going on, we are drinking profusely from the bar at the foundry, from a guy that has a professional bugsprayer tank he is using as a portable cooler, anyone with a foul looking concoction in his beer mug who says “Try this, its good.” (odds are 50/50 whether its the truth), and from various parties where drinks are forced in to our hands (I use the word forced very loosely here).  This is important to know when you (the reader) read what people are doing and it makes much more sense as to why.  If I mentioned every different drink I had tried, that existed at MOC, or wretched in the toilet, or all the hangover cures floating around, I would need an entirely new page.

Well, after my speedometer broke 140 miles into my trip and then the muffler fell off 30 miles after that, I was all set for the good times (and alcohol to get over the loud noise of no muffler) to be had at MOC (Magnum Opus Con) in Athens, Georgia.  My boss (the coolest boss in the universe) had let me off work early to avoid Atlanta traffic.  It only took me 1 hour to pack instead of the usual 3 and all of my outfits were clean and smoke free, so I wasn't about to let the loud noises scare me into pulling over on the 285 overpass to depend on the complete kindness of a stranger (as if I am that much of a bimbo) to aid me.

Alcohol was the first order of business, after I had completed the rounds of giving hugs to some of the MOC regulars I know and love: Kevin - everyone's favorite bartender of MOC, Vera (Dave) - everyone's favorite crossdresser, Ziggy - the resident lesbian, Lauren - Ziggy's fiancée, and their gal pal Erica - who I cannot think of a title for at this moment.

After surveying the large amounts of alcohol in our suite, we decided on some shots of AfterShock to get us going.  We headed down to the foundry  to drink more alcohol and catch up with people we haven't seen since the last convention.  Thursdays are generally a "secret" party night that most people that go to MOC don’t know about.

After sharing many more AfterShock moments with Ziggy and her friends, I decided it was time to pass out (I like to think that it was my decision).  I had such a hangover the next morning, Dave had to bring me food, while I tried to get myself back to an upright position by drinking a bottle of Krank20.  After I was standing and not feeling green, we had to do something about my car (I really just wanted it to magically fix itself without my help or credit card - but I can't have everything).  We dropped it off at Midas - who assured me that it would be done by Saturday (famous last words).  After some shopping in downtown Athens (it may be small but they have groovy shops), we headed back to the hotel for last minute decorating for the room.

After the decorating, we roamed the hotel before it got dark and the real freaks come out to party. We decided to see what virgins (people who have never been to MOC) had arrived.  These are the are fun to mess with.  I know it is mean, but its tradition (and sometimes necessary to scare the others).

We spotted South Park (see the picture and you'll understand) weaving around the parking lot with full beers and no sense.  These MOC virgins were bigger than me, and looped up on god knows how much alcohol, so all I could do was point and laugh in their general direction.  Later, they proved themselves to be ok guys trying to let loose after a horrendously long drive from Philadelphia.  They were pissed that people stop serving you hoards of alcohol after you vomit on yourself (go figure).  I also met the girl (Kelly) who had the guts to stay with these guys; she had to have had lot of tolerance (Valium?) to share a room with them (that and she had a lot of fabulous outfits).

 The South Park guys in all their splendor - even Kenny is dead!

I looked around for the parties that were being set up, apparently there was to be a huge gathering for the dead pirate party which featured events such as the “I'm So Sexy Contest" and “The Full MOC Monty” (yes, its what you think it is).

This guy is taking the bobbing way too seriously!                       The two Carries do a twin bob.

Ziggy and her crew gathered together for their event, which was scheduled for early evening in a separate part of the hotel.  They named it (aptly) Hot Lesbian Action party (HLA).  This event had originally started as a joke between MOC veterans for the MOC virgins.  In every program book, they would schedule this event to take place, to see who showed up and then later inform them it was moved to a different room and say that they missed it.  At her first MOC, Ziggy actually showed up to the event and was so disappointed there wasn’t a show, she decided to make it a reality.  This was the first event of its kind at MOC and we were anxious to see if there would be a big turn out.

    Here is me and Carri at HLA          Erica is not sure what to do with this kissing contest participant.
 

After dressing in my Anime/Speedracer outfit complete with boots and wig, Vera and I went around to the various parties and gatherings to get people to show up to Ziggy's shin-dig.  It was to include a “bobbing for cucumbers” contest (they couldn’t buy the dildos for cheaper), a kissing contest, and the drag show of men dressing as their favorite lesbian icons.  The party was a big success.  I was glad for Ziggy, as this was her first try for greatness at MOC and it was a triumph.

Steve is the Victorious Bobber                                                  Here are Ziggy(L) me (R) and
                                                                                                    Ziggy's Fiancee  Lauren

The cucumber bobbing went off without a hitch, and to my surprise, a guy (Steve) won the contest.  Next they had the kissing contest .The judges consisted of a very butch woman (Erica), a bisexual woman (Phoenix), and Vera (Dave) who I guess constituted the crossdressing "I could be a woman if you have a good imagination" category of judging.  It was either that, or they knew that Vera had enough weirdness for three people  (not to mention the fact that he would give up his firstborn to be a judge).  Yours truly won second place (Aren’t you shocked?).  I lost to some chick who had more piercings than me, one of which was in her tongue, so I felt that I was at a strong disadvantage.  To make my self feel superior (though I am not a sore loser), I choose to think I would have won if I could make a metal detector go off at an airport just like her.  More than anything, I was  disappointed that the dragshow was cancelled due to lack of interest (and I was supposed to be a judge, too).

Vera attempts to see if Steve's head is removable.           Me and Phoenix  Winner of the
                                                                                        "I'm so Sexy Contest" (I wish
                                                                                         she hadn't put the mask on!)

As we left the HLA party we drifted by the door of the Dead Pirate Party to see the horrified looks of Vera, Steve, and the general population outside the door.  Apparently the “I’m So Sexy Contest” was in full swing and this particular act has tainted my brain as well as everyone else who viewed it.  They were watching a girl that was not particularly in shape (I am really, really being nice on that one) and she was dancing around like a cat in heat.  This was all borderline tolerable until she took off her shirt and proceeded to take off more.  This kind of thing has taken place at MOC before - at parties though, and not at contests, at 4 in the morning when alcohol is more abundant than blood in a persons body.  This thing was taking place at 9:30pm - even HBO and Cinemax don’t show their softporn until 11.  If this wasn’t enough, she decided that she needed to top what the last girl did (the last girl was Phoenix, who could have been wearing a large tent dress reading bible scripture and still not be outdone).   I really don’t want to go into details here, but lets just say that we got to see ALL the piercings.  I m not really sure if this thing was legal what she did, but I do know that this was so vile, vulgar, gross,__________(insert a word that implies vomit), if it were ever rated, no one would in that audience would have been allowed to watch it, including myself.  This was not a moral judgment -  this was one of taste.

        Vera and Greg share a moment.                    Kevin, everyone's favorite bartender, at the Foundry.

After running away from the pirate party in fear, it was time for an outfit change (it always makes me feel better), so I got in a blue bikini and clear plastic coat with the boots and proceeded back to the pirate party (hoping that the prior contest was over) for the MOC Full Monty.  (For those of you that live under a rock, this show was based on the movie "The Full Monty", which centers around a bunch of average looking guys that put on a strip show).  This was the first event of its kind at MOC since usually the events are cheesecake and not beefcake shows.  I got there to find out Phoenix had won the contest (no surprise there), and that there was a front seat available next to Darlene, an adorable little girl (well not so little, she's older than me) that gets way to cocky when she has had some tequila.

The first two acts were decent; at least these men (Vera was one of them) had costumes and didn't seem completely white when they danced.  Vera gave lap dances to Darlene and Lissie (someone who is way too jealous of me), and even shared the spotlight with me by dragging me up on stage and flailing me about his hips.  In the process of being thrown around by him (Vera is a big guy), he made me lose my wig (a sure sign of a good time).  Then Greg Bell the bimbo king, Steve - he doesn't need a title, and the rest of the crew that are big buffoons that I know  - but can't remember right now - did a hilarious version of what they thought the MOC Monty should be.  Steve even wore his speedos. How cute.
 

Carrie decides to steal my cam to take                                I am really not sure what this is but
  a self portrait of our drunk selves.                                   this is Amy, a cool girl that Steve brought.
                                                                                                Pic taken by James P.

Now for the scary part, children.  There were some men that were up there, that deserve a big wahoo for at least having the guts to go up there, but they were not as up to par as the first acts.  I couldn't stop laughing.  Some of these guys almost lost their shorts completely.  And then there were those few that tried to give a lap dance, but succeeded in looking like they were in pain.  At this point, my front row seat, which I thought to be a blessing, had now become a curse.  I was trapped and couldn't get away.  Finally, in between acts, I snuck out.  I didn't get out in time to miss seeing the girl, who was naked earlier, attempt to perform yet another obscene act on one of the stage participants (you guess what it is) but was thankfully intervened by a third party.  My conclusion is that the MOC Monty could have been a really cool thing, but it should be left to people not taking it too seriously and perhaps turning it into some sort of Mr. Macho Contest (an event which was squashed years ago).

I posed for this picture while Jake and Vera are babe-spotting.          Steve goes for the cleavage shot.

Afterwards, because the vinyl jacket was beginning to fog up in a weird way, I changed (yes, again!) into my pajamas (Winnie the Pooh).  I like them cause it is one of my only outfits that has pants to it instead of vinyl or fur.  There was a big Pajama Party taking place all over MOC.  They had some really good costumes out there, but I know for the most part they were just for show.  No matter how weird you are, you don't wear pajamas with the footies in real life after you turn 10.

    Parties everywhere and we all geek out!              Apparently Greg is telling a funny story that Shawn
                                                                            and I find amusing while Steve's attention is elsewhere.
 
 

Later on in the evening, after all the wimps went to bed at 1am and people were still hyped up on caffeine (Krank20 rules) and wanting something to do, sucking fruit became the activity of the hour.  I never knew what this was or even heard of it till Greg appeared with his grapefruit and tequila (a bad plan I realized in the morning).  I managed to abide by the rules (don't bruise the fruit, and you have to drink all the tequila in it) without hurling on my shoes (point for Dawn Marie).

  Darlene and Lissie beckon us with the fruit.              Some poor soul taking the suck fruit challenge.

Vera - he can suck fruit like no other
 
 

Vera and I went back to the room, exhausted, but with a full can of chips we lifted from the party.  It had been a good day.  I know because I wasn't horrified by any of the events I did the night before when I was sober the next day.  Dave didn’t have that satisfaction with all the stunts he pulled that night. (none we will go into here).

 Here Jay offers me and Carrie each a urine sample    Carrie and I at the pool  -  I should have worn my
                                                                                                        sunglasses that day.
 
 

On Saturday morning, it was Dave's turn to be sick, and I managed to round up the appropriate drugs to get him back on his feet.  I hung out by the pool (yes, they opened it....fools) with my pal Carrie and her fiancé, Jay.  More people joined us later, but everyone was scared to go in the pool (the algae on the bottom might have had something to do with that).  After being snubbed by Lissie (bitch) and her photo shoot, Dave and I went to Midas to pick up the car.  To my chagrin, Midas was closed and would not open their doors till Monday morning at 8am.  I threw a small fit in the privacy of my own room (fabulous girls don't bawl in public), and called my boss to let him know.  Fortunately, he was out (I didn’t want to have to explain right then) and I left a message on his machine.

I consoled my self with a huge helping of chicken quesadillas and Mech Fluid (A drink designed by Ziggy to make you feel fantastic – the pure grain alcohol helps a lot).  Pretty soon I was unaware I had even driven a car to the con.  I dressed in my chinchilla fur gown (the first of many changes that evening), took another shot of Mech fluid (the first of many drinks for the evening), grabbed Vera and searched for where Kevin may have passed out.  He was supposed to be the bartender for our party (VeraCon 98).

Kevin, everyone's favorite bartender, at VeraCon98

We got sidetracked into the Cannon Room where our pal Steve had volunteered for the “Beat the Crap Out of a Mime.”  I’m not sure why he volunteered, but he was one brave soul.  The event consisted of the mime (Steve) to be beaten by audience members by big orange foam sticks.  It was a pretty good time and I even spanked him a couple of times for good measure.

          Rodney King revisited.                         The women got more rowdy than the men.
                                                                        Check out Kelly's Shoes - they rock!
                                                                                       Pic by James P

I still needed to find Kevin to make sure he got to the party, but on the way back, I got sidetracked (are you picking up the theme here?) and stopped in at another party to try the drink in there (every party has its own theme drink).  I found Steve (sans mime makeup) with Amy (his woman) and they joined me in my search.  After drinking at the other parties (I gave up my quest to search for Kevin), I made my way to the suite where our party was (and my room) to find that Kevin had not needed my help at all in being found, and he promptly handed me a chocolate covered cherry shot (very potent).  Afterwards, I was on my way to changing (again) into my fabulous leopard fur gown.

When I emerged from the room, I was confronted by a short man (Sean) with a fake British accent (which would somehow be uneven when he was in a drunken stupor) showing his chest hair in a seventies fashion and wearing 3 inch lifts (lifts are shoes that add to your height) who only came up to my eyebrows.  We had met the previous evening and he had looked even goofier then in his little pajamas with the feetsies.  He apparently was angry that I had thought that he was gay, and (having the clout that I have there) people took up my opinion.  I informed him that he needed to drop the accent and lose the lifts.  I had a good time picking on him, he was an easy target and I was bigger than he was.  And just for the record - I will take his word for it - SEAN IS NOT GAY.

This is Sean.  He is always upset about his height.

Sean was the lead singer of the band Bother that Roland (OFMIC) had hired for the entertainment later that evening.  My friends and I were skeptical of any band that boasted that they sounded like a cross between Pantera and Megadeth, as none of us are big metal fans, but I feel that I really can’t make fun of someone else’s music unless I heard it first.  It’s only fair.

We were genuinely surprised.  Sean had a good voice and even though I don’t like that kind of music, it sounded pretty good compared to most bands I hear in Huntsville. The band gave away free CDs and alcohol, both of which I managed to win.  The South Park crew seemed to like the band as well.  They were moshing about and trying desperately to dance to music that Bother had said was undanceable.  They proved the band wrong and ran amuck for the full set that they played.  The best part of the show was the drunken fool that was stumbling into the lights and into the band.  For his benefit only, they had to form a human guard line in front of the band to protect them.  I give credit to Sean for a good recovery from this idiot's unintentional assult.  The drunk guy had stumbled into Sean knocking him on his ass.  Sean never missed a beat and continued singing, even while he got up and kicked the guy out of the way.  The cool factor there I rated a 7.  (He would have gotten a higher score had he not had the fake accent and the lifts).

   Steve, Lauren and Ziggy - I won those cool beads later
that evening.
 

I was tired after that, and even the men’s suit that I had changed into for comfort was not keeping me warm enough at that point, so I went off to bed.  The next morning I managed to secure a place to stay with my pal Ron until my car was fixed the following morning.  It was way cool of him to help me since I had blown him off the night before and didn’t attend the Samhain Smash with him.  (Thanx Ron).  I got back into town in one piece before lunch and my boss didn’t seem too pissy with me as I thought he would be (hence, the Coolest Boss in the Universe title), so my weekend ended as well as it could after emptying my bank account at Midas and being extremely late for work.

There was so much I forgot to mention here.  I was kinda drunk and the events may not have happened in exactly this order, but some events just didn’t fit in with the flow of my story and pictures and I wanted to make sure that I got all the nitty gritty details as much as I could.

I do want to mention that during my stay I met a really cool guy that played guitar and opened for “Bother” that lives in N. C.  He was one of the better-looking men at MOC, but I can’t even remember his name.  He was supposed to be my date and I wanted to say that I was sorry I blew him off after the Bother show.

All in all, the weekend was good considering the fact that my muffler screwed up on me and I had to stay an extra night at the bustling metropolis of Athens.  There was more than enough alcohol to get everyone drunk at the convention and scour the tubs in the hotel clean (that’s a lot of alcohol, folks).  There was so much alcohol in fact, that our party alone left 7 cases of beer in the bathtub (party foul – I know, but there was no room in anyone’s car).  There were less people here than at the usual MOCFest in March, but it seemed like there was a lot more going on, and there were a lot more unusual events this time around.  The events were either really cool, or they were really horrible.  There was no in between rating.  I give this MOC an 8.  It would have been a 7, but I won an award so it goes up in value.  I will be going back again in March of 1999.

THE BOTTOM LINE: What did I learn this weekend?  I learned that mufflers cost a lot of money.  I learned that AfterShock is not a good staple drink.  I learned that not everyone uses deodorant and last but not least, I am continually reminded that its always good to be able to make your own fun and not rely on anyone else to entertain you.